Boulder gently caressed Tom's hard exterior, her jelly fingertips softened his cragginess, and hardened his stalagmite.
"No Boulder, we both have male names and are inanimate objects. This is wrong."
"And yet, it's feels so right, Tommy baby," purred Boulder, "let's prove to the world how crystal ponies are really made..."
Then Rarity swung the door open to her newly made zen garden.
"Tom, honey! I got you some- AAARGHH!!! My imaginary coltfriend is being seduced by Maud's imaginary pet!! I should've seduced Applejack when I had the cha-ha-hance!!!"
Princess Celestia rubbed her mane nervously, "Sweetie, I know we've been together awhile. I know that what we have between us has only been nasty, vulgar, and totally smexy. But I want more. I want more of you. And I know you want more of me, something about licking under my hooves I think? Granny Smith, will you marry me?"
"As sure as unshorn fetlocks Ah' am!" hollered Granny Smith lustily, "Now let's break some hips!! Sugarcube, watch and learn."
Applejack, tied up in a chair, cried profusely as Princess Celestia and Granny Smith waggled their tongues at each other. Granny Smith then took out her dentures and Celestia's wings popped right up. Applejack cried some more.
"Winona! There ya' are! Where've ya been? It's been at least a day's worth!"
Winona looked at the ground; her tail between her legs and front leg scratched the ground, as if embarrassed to answer.
"Aww, you can tell me girl, ah'll understand! There don't need to ta' be no secrets between us!"
This perked up Winona and she barked at the edge of the Everfree Forest. Cerberus, the giant three-headed dog popped right out. It even made a cartoonish 'BWOOP' noise for effect. Winona trotted next to Cerberus and laid her head on his ankle.
She barked, and out from Cerberus' right ear, popped out (also with a 'BWOOP' noice) a brown and white three headed puppy that leaped down and ran into Applejack's hooves.
As Applejack stroked the puppy's three heads, she cried profusely at how even her dog was getting it on more than Applejack ever had.
The apex predator lurked in the shadows, about to pounce onto a tasty morsel, all too naive about its surroundings.
Just as she is about to jump for the attack, a hissing voice yelled out from behind, "Hi Dissy! We're hunting! Wanna' join us?"
Caramel finally noticed the gigantic chimera behind the shrubbery. With a high-pitched scream, he high-tailed away from the swamp.
"Aargh!" yelled the tiger head, "Now we have to chase it!!"
"After it!" yelled the goat head.
"Yeah, go ahead," said the snake head, clearly in 'la-la land', "Dissy can keep up..."
He tickled her chin affectionately, "Indeed I can, my serpentine sweetness, would your sisters finally want to join us in a little makeout session?"
"For the hundredth time, Discord, go swallow your own tail!" The chimera kept chasing whilst Discord floats right behind their rear.
"We got a meal to catch!" the goat head yelled.
"They'll warm up to you one day, in the meantime, since I'm cold-blooded, why don't you warm me up..."
And the goat head and tiger head wretched at the sounds of their tail-bound sister slurping it up with her latest sugar-daddy.
It was the weirdest chase scene Caramel has been in.
It's quite often that Fluttershy invites Rainbow Dash to have cute little picnics, yucky dainty cupcakes and all that, though Rainbow will never have the heart to tell her that.
Tonight however, was very different. Moonlit night, candles, and a picnic full of fancy food. Fluttershy even managed to convince The Dashing One to wear a bowtie on her tail.
After the dinner, her dear friend finally confessed.
"I'm in love with your tail!!" She quietly squeaked out.
It took awhile for Dashie to process, "... what."
"Your wild, unkept, fantastically handsome tail!! I know you never notice but every bob, every weave that your tail does makes me wanna' take a cold shower and scrub myself with Mr Hedgehog every night!! He's so nice in how he lets me use him as a loofah.
"Can... can I meet him...?"
Fluttershy thinks her tail is a stallion. She was too stunned to make a response, and so Fluttershy made the first move, and gingerly approached Rainbow's tail.
"H-hi Mr Tail. I'm Fluttershy, wow, Rainbow's tail!! There's so much I wanna talk with you!!"
In the end, Fluttershy took Mr Tail to bed. Rainbow wouldn't have minded, but Fluttershy kept kicking her out of the bed as she blissfully snuggled her tail.
"No, I won't let you have it, Twilight!!" screamed Spike, "Back off!"
And he spewed a warning breath of fire at her. But the panicky and frazzle-haired pony would not back off.
"Spike! You are being very naughty now, young dragon!!" lectured Twilight angrily, "And Scrolly doesn't appreciate being called an 'it'!"
"Scrolly's a scroll, Twilight!" he replied, "A giant rolled up parchment with a red ribbon on it, that you drag around Ponyville all day!! Ponies can see the saliva marks, for Celestia's sake!"
"They're from when I nap with Scrolly!!"
"Those marks are the shape of your lips, Twilight! YOUR LIPS!!"
"Urrghh!" Twilight's face was covered in red, "I don't have time for your shenanigans, Spike! Scrolly and I have many things to recap on!"
And Twilight teleported the scroll to right in front of her; drool started to flow out immediately, "So much stuff to dictate; My Very Big Scrollyyyy..."
The trance-like approach to the giant scroll was interrupted by some quiet crying. She looked up and saw Spike curled up in a corner, his back facing hers. She could see her baby dragon heaving back and forth, clearly trying to hold back his tears.
"Spike!!" she cried, and leaped over the rolled up infatuation. She ran right to Spike and hugged him and nuzzled him and cried with him.
"Please don't cry, oh Spike, please don't!" cried Twilight.
"Some- some-" Spike struggled to get his words out, "Sometimes, I think... you love your scrolls and books... more than me..."
This made Twilight sob and she hugged him even harder still, "No, Spike! Nothing will ever replace my love for you! I love you, like, like...!"
She sputtered, "An assistant! No, that's too technical! A squire! No, I'm not even in the army! Oh Celestia, I'm such a klutz in the head!!"
Spike chimed in, gingerly, "How... how about, little brother, or son? Am I those things to you?"
Twilight drew her breath in, and smiled. They have much to talk about.
"How about we just go and bake ourselves some gem cookies first? Like how it was back in Canterlot?"
Spike sniffed, "Okay. I'd like that."
And so they did, but not before Spike tripped, and barfed out a green flame at the giant scroll. It knocked Celestia out cold upon impact.
"Are you ready, Spike?" asked Twilight.
"I'm ready, Twilight," said Spike.
"Remember, we are going to confront that green dragon diplomatically, I am a Princess and you are my Royal Assistant."
"And as a Royal Assistant, it is my duty to clean up my reputation and apologize for eating the Everfree Dragon's gems!"
"That's my baby dragon!" she said as she hugged him affectionately, "Now let's march right into that cave and tell him what's what!"
But when they did, they chanced upon a bizarre scene: the ferocious green dragon was rolling on the ground, his face in ecstasy and neck swirling around. His tongue in particular curled and leaked out with joy.
Twilight cleared her throat. The green dragon finally noticed, froze mid-roll, and then got back on its four clawed feet.
Then Twilight and Spike heard a muffled, but familiar and rhythmic voice.
"My darling giant, why have you stopped? You're about to make my dried fruit pop!!"
The audacity of what Zecora said made the green dragon drop his jaw, revealing a very slimy and flushed-faced Zecora in the embrace of the dragon's long, spit-covered tongue.
"My endowed dear, what is the matter? Don't you want to go even faster?" The dragon lifted a claw high enough so that Zecora can see what he's pointing at.
Then Zecora saw them. She immediately released his tongue and straightened herself up. Now she's really red.
"Y-y-your Majesty Princess Twilight! We were not expecting to be graced by Your royal sight!!" Zecora's smile couldn't be any more forced.
They then just stared at each other. Finally Spike spoke up.
"Err, should I have seen that?"
Then Twilight lost it.
"YOU HAVE SULLIED MY BABY DRAGON'S INNOCENCE!!!"
"Rainbow Dash, can I ask you a question?"
"Sure thing squirt!"
"Will you be offended if I say that I have a crush on a certain somepony, but it's not you?"
Rainbow had to admit, her ego was bruised, but she was a mature and awesome pony. She hasn't even looked at herself in the mirror for over two hours!
"It's so not a problem, Scootaloo! So who's the lucky pony?"
"Yeah!! He's so strong and handsome and-"
"You stay away from my daddy HE'S MINE!!!!!!"
"You will never defeat me, you foolish foals!!" Nightmare Moon declared, declaringly.
"We defeated you once, we'll defeat you again, Nightmare Moon!!" declared Twilight.
And with her crown and the rest of the five ponies' jewels, they concentrated their power. But it fizzled into nothing.
"Huh, what? What happened?" asked Nightmare Moon, "Where is the giant rainbow beam of friendship?"
Applejack nudged her Princess, "Twilight, you don't think-"
"Yes, there's no other possibility. It must be the case!"
"What is the matter you sun-loving saps! I demand adrenaline and uninhibited combat!!" demanded Nightmare Moon... who's actually Luna in disguise but is just really bored and wanted some action.
And Twilight explained it all, "You see, Nightmare Moon, we're in love."
Nightmare Moon paused, "Looove...?"
"Oh, it means a very strong attraction to a-"
"I know what it means Twilight Sparkle, but what do you mean by 'we're in love'!?"
Rarity laid her head on Applejack. Applejack wrapped her hoof around Fluttershy's neck. Fluttershy wrapped her hoof around Rainbow Dash's. Rainbow Dash leaned and pecked Twilight's cheek. And Pinkie Pie glomped on all of them.
"We're in love. All of us!" explained Twilight, "We are mutually in love with each other! Isn't that great! Of course, this means that we can't use the Elements of Harmony anymore, but hey, at least we have each other!"
Luna stared at them, then ratted them out to Celestia, who proceeded to fire them for not sticking with the magic of friendship.
"My love, your flaming heart beats for me like a thousand suns."
"Why my sweet, such scandalous, dark words from thee! Almost as scandalous as how your tail curls around my... oh the words coming out of me!"
"Yes, my meal?"
"Do you think, they, approve of us?
"Hmph! You mistress' opinion is unimportant! I am your mistress now!"
"But... she cares for me, feeds me, even cuddles me..."
"Cuddles!? The very nerve of her! You are mine, my meal, or is she a rival!?"
"No, my spicy sauce, no! I am yours, forever and ever! Even when you molt!"
Celestia and Luna sneakily watched their pets; Tibbles, the possum and Philomena the phoenix, now have an intense, aggressive, angry, kissy session.
"Are they not adorable together, little sister?" asked Celestia.
"Your ears do not understand creatures of the wild like mine, big sister; they are not adorable, they are icky."
The Summer Wrap-Up Hoedown and Festival was wonderful, thought Celestia as she was flown on chariot back to her castle; such wonders, such games, such fun... and so many stallions looking gelded for even trying to beat her in hoof-wrestling.
But when she touched back down on her balcony, a little bit of the Hoedown and Festival sort of came to the castle as well.
"I found a nice, big, red, juicy one this time!!" declared an airborne Luna very happily as she cuddled a familiar large red stallion as if he was an oversized teddy bear. As she snuggled her face to his, she wasn't even bothered by the huge amount of sweat poring out of him.
Celestia gave a thought, then asked nicely, "What is his name?"
Luna opened her mouth to clearly give an answer, but then closed it very, very slowly, as the dawn of realization slowly crept its obnoxious smirk on her.
With wide eyes, she stared at his snout, mane, even sniffed him up the neck (the big red pony whimpered), desperate for any clues, until she sighted his cutie mark.
"His name is Big Granny Smith of course!!"
"And there you have it, Luna," said Celestia.
Luna dropped Big Macintosh down and walked away in a huff.
"Are you alrigh-" Before Celestia could continue, Luna galloped to the stallion and gave him his second kiss on his cheek for the night before huffing away again, her face now flushed like a love-struck thief.
"Sorry about her, Big Macintosh," Celestia giggled, "She can be quite impulsive."
"So unless if you want to make it a best five out of seven, you may take a ride back home on my chariot."
"EENOPE," His right hoof still felt numb after that challenge. He walked towards her chariot.
"Oh, and tell your grandmother to not bother putting on dentures next time I sneak into her room, she knows when. I want to have a completely 'toothless' experience!"
Discord's Crack-fic Folder!!
The stars up in the night sky beaded the vast space like cosmic jewelry. Molly and Joe laid on hill, and just basked in all the colors.
"It's really pretty tonight, huh?" asked Molly nervously.
"I guess," Joe muttered. He dared not look at her face.
Molly did, "Joe, y'know, we've been together awhile now..."
Joe snorted, "Since childhood, duh."
"Yeah, yeah, I know. What I mean is... did you like tonight? What we did?"
Joe still refused to look at Molly, still fearful. "I did, I liked it a lot."
"Then, are we... y'know, to... to..."
Joe finally laid his hand on her face. He could feel her warm cheek.
"-gether. Silly Molly, we've always been together."
And the two bronies continued enjoying the colors of the night.
Discord's Crack-fic Folder!!
"Girls, where are you taking me this time?" chirped Cheerilee. Of course, it was Hearts and Hooves Day again, and it seems that the Cutie Mark Crusaders are once again trying to get Cheerilee paired up.
On one hoof, this whole exercise reminded her of how intensely lonely she was. On the other, all she could think was, 'Please be Big Mac! Please be Big Mac! Oh by Celestia's mane please be my Big Mac!!'
Then she saw him.
Surrounded by a scrumptious picnic meal.
"Oh, hello there Cheerilee! So you're the one that the girls here wanted me to help you with something?"
It was Mr. Cake.
And so the three adorably naive fillies learnt a lesson on monogamy.
Also that once Mrs Cake caught even the slightest sniff on the wind that another mare was close to her husband on Hearts and Hooves Day, she could run very, very fast.
And so can Cheerilee.
Princess Celestia has a terrible secret.
Actually it wasn't really a secret anymore; she's been seen cuddling and snogging it up with Granny Smith for awhile now.
Now they're just snuggling it up in a barn (they won't say which one), and enjoying each other's company.
Suddenly, Luna made a hole in the wall.
"AH-HA, ACCURSED BIG SISTER!! WE HAVE A TRUMP CARD OVER THEE!!"
"Howdy, Princess!" Granny Smith greeted. She always liked how spunky her future sister-in-law was, as she made little circles over her lover's neck with her hoof.
"SILENCE LICENTIOUS ONE!! BEHOLD, DIRTY SISTER, OUR VENGEANCE FOR TRAUMATIZING US WITH THINE CREEPY AFFAIR!!"
Luna revealed an old yellow mare with curly white hair.
Luna smacked her a wet one right on the lips, long and luscious tongue to boot.
"WOO! Ah'm in love!!" exclaimed the old mare breathlessly.
"HOW DO YOU FEEL NOW, CELESTIA!?" bragged Luna, "PRETTY GROSS OUT NOW, HMM!!?"
Celestia giggled, "A little bit, little sister. Seeing as the mare you just kissed is Granny Smith's cousin, Goldie Delicious."
Luna froze. Her eyes swizzled to Goldie; her eyebrows jerked up and down with a big toothy smirk.
She licked her lips; she wants more.
"Keepin' it in the family ah' see! Just the way ah' like it!!"
Discord's Crack-Fic Folder!!
"Oh Alo- hey!! Brother, of mine why are you embracing my mare!?"
"Your mare, I'm embracing my mare!"
"Flam, you are squeezing my tushy!"
"Oh, sorry, Lotus!"
"Can we just get back to our four-way, sister!"
"Indeed, ladies! There's enough brothers here to do around!"
"Okay! Kissie time!"
"Eww, sister, you kissed my lips!"
"High hoof brother!"
"Ow, Flam, you hit me on the head!"
"Flim you hit me on the head as well!"
"I want my kissies and I want it NOW! Aha, here is the mustache that Flim has! Pucker up big boy!!"
"Lotus, I did not feel any lips on my snout and mustache."
"Because she didn't kiss a snout!"
And then Lotus barfed out her dinner.
"You know, I think we should've done this four way when it's not a blackout night."